habits

it feels so normal

until it’s not

watching TV

eating your dinner

habitual activity

ingrained in your psyche

a well worn path

trodden every day 

the evening meal

partaken at seven

though its components vary

it anchors the day’s end 

bundled with Jeopardy and Wheel

you settle into the comfort

you nestle between the moments

you sense that all’s well

until it’s not and

reality floods back and

once again you note that

beyond your four walls

nothing remains the same 

nor will it ever be the same

©KarenCasady2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

nothingness

define today as a no day day

not remarkable in any way

a shapeless blob of time

spent doing nothing in particular 

non memorable

marked only by a morning trip to Starbucks and

hope that today’s cold brew would be better than yesterday’s

it wasn’t

yet hope stirs for tomorrow’s coffee and

tomorrow’s walk and

tomorrow’s nothingness on the patio and

projects considered and discarded and

tasks that need doing but lie forgotten and 

promises made that remain unkept and

desires unfulfilled and cold and

a body losing its vitality and vigor

now only restorative sleep remains

©KarenCasady2020

 

voiceless

when you’ve been told you have nothing to say 

because

you no longer do productive work 

because

you are idle 

because

you no longer have value

because

you are sacrificial

because

you add nothing 

because

your voice is a mere whisper 

because

your commentary makes no sense 

because

your words hold no relevance 

because

your mind has narrowed 

because 

your world shrank 

because

you no longer cared

because

you were done 

because

productive work is endless

because

it goes on and on with or without you 

because

there are always new projects 

because

clever people have ideas

because

other clever people fall by the wayside 

because

work multiplies 

because

the puritans say it must 

because

the world will end without it 

because

arbeit macht frei work sets you free 

because

you can jump on and off at will 

because

you choose solitude

because

you choose quiet 

because

you want to

©KarenCasady2020

 

 

 

 

 

a word please

why does that surprise you

why does that not surprise you

one and the same

words reflect acceptance 

they assuage the inner tumult of

encountering minuscule unimportant incidents

an epiphany captured in those words

blocks dreadful internal chatter

“he didn’t do it…he never does it…doesn’t think to do it…he should do it…he won’t do it…he did it wrong…can’t do it right…”

the need for vile litany vanishes

supplanted by “why are you surprised”

followed by “why are you not surprised”

the one and the same

the instant relief

the surrender

the acceptance

the new tool deposited into your toolbox

useful

durable

instantaneous 

long lasting until it’s not

©KarenCasady2020

 

 

 

 

 

almanac

you like the weather cloudy and chilly

not so roses and sunflowers who like it 

warm and sunny

and this juxtaposition puts you at odds with your favorite flowers

the former of which grow in your yard

the latter of which you buy at the store

the both of which you call traditional as far as flora and fauna go but with a bit of a stretch and a change of customs might come across as modern obtuse

and take their place along with wriggly furry or scaly stiff critters that may or may not reside in your house…

 

one learns to catastrophize when one grows up never trusting

never relying on anyone

this deficit also causes a lack of childhood dreams 

there was no room for them

they join hometown memories in an void just out of reach of your reality

but still you seek and one alley leads to another 

never a dead end just a constant maze of hallways and passages so complex

that getting through and out the other end seems impossible

but it comes to you that you always wear jeans 

ever since the early hippy days when they were de rigor and to not wear them constituted out of uniform 

and this anchors you and jars loose visions of dead animals dogs cats birds a baby possum half decayed corpses of pigeons baby squirrels and rats eaten and discarded by the very owl babies who nurtured your children

 

and your lovers also the stuff of dreams and concocted imaginings and so you remember that you do dream and not everything edges into catastrophe and sometimes you lust after benedict cumberbatch and once you fancied that donald trump told the truth and you wish the former dream to never end while latter awakens you in a state of dread or hope and you cannot determine which so you return to sleep and catastrophizing and floating through endless mazes and hikes to the hollywood sign.

©KarenCasady2020

sarkasmós

irritability takes on a new voice

yesterday it could not be heard 

it hid behind a wall

whispering its impatience 

rolling its eyes

making its existence known

through tendrils of quiet annoyance 

and creeping acrimony 

causing subtle havoc and noxious chaos

but silent irritability fades from view

left behind at the roadside

it now must fend for itself 

in its place resides a new voice

strong in its words 

ancient in its derivation

for sarcasm stems from

sarkasmós Greek meaning

to tear flesh

and so it shall 

in all its glory

bite rip and sneer its way

through whatever stands before it

all the while accepting full responsibility 

for its paltry pettiness as it gleefully 

awaits opportunity upon opportunity 

indeed yes indeed

©KarenCasady2020

 

screaming

when the not-so-solid part of you

writes a note to the solid part of you:

it says “I’m gonna scream” and 

the solid part writes back 

“We are aware of your issues”

but the not-so-solid part can’t see

because it has already started screaming 

so the solid part takes note and 

sends out loud talking points that 

pass through the not-so-solid part because 

it has worn thin and can retain nothing

so the screaming turns to bellowing 

punctuated by great long breaths that 

rumble the solid part of you 

shaking it to its core 

leaving it no other choice but 

to scream louder than the not-so-solid part of you

this sound works because it is:

deep and 

sonorous and 

calming and 

it overwhelms the not-so-solid part of you 

just in time 

before any words leak out of your mouth and 

instead you re-channel your energy and 

make instant coconut pudding.

©KarenCasady2020

heat

don’t go inside

it’s 3pm

hotness has only just begun

slight breeze

sun hovering

drowns out shadows 

magnifies the expanse 

blue jeans draw heat

encase the body

lull it into stupor

red glasses slide down nose

seeing now impossible 

warm wind infuses strength

cat meows

wants out

her heavy coat a death sentence 

the patio bakes

wisps of hair across forehead

limp in sweat

swelter and grow strong

ice tea melts

shoes burn feet

finally you scamper inside

a wet dishrag

devoid of power

the couch beckons

you sleep

©Karen Casady2020

alchemy

transmutation 

as described by the ancients to

convert base metals into noble metals

lead into silver

tin into gold

 

alchemy 

the province of sorcerers and magicians 

sought after by sovereigns and emperors

the rich paid for what

the poor could only imagine while

the science existed only in myths and legends

 

magnum opus

alchemical term for

combining base elements to 

create the elusive philosopher’s stone

the alleged elixir to beget gold

 

i am transmutation 

i am alchemy

i am magnum opus

not the stuff of myth and legend

not born of magic and sorcery instead

the totality of my unbounded reality

balanced on a precipice 

seeking my truth in a whorl

first in one chamber then another

clambering through

searching 

in constant motion 

reaching out

feeling nothing

grasping at silence

finally tasting brevity

and swiftness

I pass through

I am transmutation 

I am alchemy

I am magnum opus

©Karen Casady2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

crushed

the interior picture remains the same

a virtual flat line punctuated by

minor interruptions of such inconsequence whilst 

duly noted: trite

grab at one then another 

catching what remains 

the tail end of movement 

slides through hands

blinds the eyes 

paralyzes thoughts

rendering them numb 

medicated

so stuck between the crushing

walls of anxiety and survival 

they feel nothing

©Karen Casady2020

control

when it’s done

you realize you

have some semblance of control

even as the world around you

frays at the seams

transforms then transforms again

never reverting back to its old self

because we die if it does

so it doesn’t 

and the people scream

freedom! liberation!

freedom! liberation!

immune to death

drenched in the blood of Jesus

they go forth

they need haircuts and manicures

no government handouts for them

God provides 

donate your bailout to your beloved pastor 

bring out the guillotines

and you keep cleaning and organizing 

and you look at your handiwork 

your accomplishments 

your finished projects

and your world focuses on a pinpoint

and all’s well in your tiny haven

and you hold sway with magic and such

and sit back and feel your own freedom and liberation

©Karen Casady2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

oddities

the front table 

in the entry hall

old antique cherry wood

picked up at an ancient flea market

back when every Sunday afternoon

was devoted to seeking treasures 

now collects mail and keys and

other miscellany that has nowhere to go

that enters the house having served a mission

now deposited sans purpose among other irrelevant oddities 

they accumulate 

gather dust

lull

hide the sheen of the table top

until one afternoon it becomes imperative 

to undertake the clearing of

the now cozy items

to find permanent homes for them

into the car trunk goes one small pile

another takes its place in a drawer

deliberately placed

obediently filed

the rest find themselves deposited on another table top

to accumulate 

gather dust and

lull

©Karen Casady2020

 

 

 

 

fixing it

when you realize nothing can be done

it is what it is

change won’t happen

as much as you will it

wish it

desire it

dream it

imagine what it’d be like if

only it would if

only it could if

only it should 

but it can’t

so it doesn’t 

it implies a shift

promises it

dances around it

comes close

strains

comes apart

retreats 

never emerges again

becomes a shell

hard but empty

and you feel an

inkling of compassion 

for the effort and failure

but on principle and 

in service to self preservation

walk away

© Karen Casady2020 

 

 

 

cycling

I like denial

the act of pretending it’s 

not there

not heard

not seen

not felt

hasn’t happened

doesn’t exist

denial happens after betrayal 

the act of reducing trust into nothingness 

of blasting it into smithereens

of trouncing it into the ground

of smashing every last bit into dust

trust stems from expectations 

that common framework upon which we rely 

to trod our path

to connect 

to prevent us going over the edge

to stitch a safety net

expectations do turn worthless

get thrown into chaos

dissolve into free fall

leaving disbelief 

resorting to peace at any cost

serving up denial 

which works with every situation 

except death

©Karen Casady2020

 

 

 

roar

where’s your mask bitch

you want to say it

you walk away 

you don’t 

kick over your apple cart

have an outburst

be crazy

that’s just it

you are crazy

only you know

it’s well hidden 

thing is

it’s getting closer

it’s moving around 

rumbling unobtrusively

nearer and nearer 

a monster just below the skin

lurking on tip toes

you can see it

almost touch it

palpable 

you don’t 

one wrong move

one side step too many

and you will roar

©Karen Casady 2020

 

 

 

soul school

I am in school

I am a soul

I am learning 

I falter

I get it

I misstep

I regain my footing

I block the light

I get out of its way

I am the light 

I am the dark

I tumble

I fumble

I juggle

I trip

surefooted then clumsy 

certain then awkward

round up

round down

double down

lose

I am in school

I am a soul

I am learning

©Karen Casady 2020

 

frayed indifference

tenuous connections 

fray

strand by strand

they come undone

thinning the strong bond

once reinforced by

restaurant bustle and

French toast and omelettes 

BLTs and club sandwiches 

lingering over cold coffee 

in hushed chat

waves and handshakes 

hugs and linked arms

now dwindled to phone voices

and occasional face time

Zoom and Instagram 

staring at a computer screen

with a gallery of faces and backgrounds

wondering is repair possible

having grown used to detachment 

shall it be fixed

a resounding yes

but maybe no

the quiet forms habits

ripe for breaking but

in truth perhaps not 

as irrevocable indifference settles 

locking down humanity

©Karen Casady2020